Lonely

Been living in this state for a while. Unlike Texas, it's a chillier here. More of a breeze. I wake up early to read the Bible with some of the fam. Then I go back to bed, only to be awoke by my grandma. Then I bathe, get ready and drive her where she needs to go. Then I apply for jobs, help grandma, pick up my brother and head back home to clean up the house. You'd think being around so many people, there'd be no room for loneliness. But it's here. Sorry for all the depressing stuff; I'm just in this really weird mood combination of depression and anger. Always alone. I never got the brains, the beauty, the strength of the family. I'm so damn useless. I contemplate life so much. I really can't stand it. I'd like to leave it.

Nervous

The decision will have to be made this week. I've let my parents down SO much over the years. I feel like I'm such a burden financially and physically. I can't do a damn thing right. And it fucking sucks! In my heart, all I've wanted was to make them proud of me. To see that glimmer in their eyes, that hearty chuckle, the knowing grin; and knowing it's all for me. That I've finally done it. I'm a fucking idiot. That much is true. And I need to accept the fact. I have smart parents and I'll NEVER amount to half of what they are. They came all the way from Africa for nothing. Just a fat 160 pound piece of nothing. Need to stop lying to myself. Life would be so much easier without me.

Pain

Endured by most. Often a sign of being alive. If life was so easy, wouldn't everyone want kids? Follow their dreams? But now, this is being carried on my shoulders. Fear of leaving behind people I've fought so hard to remain in contact with. Fear of a place without democracy and too many time restraints. As this prudent and adamant fact is brought to hand, the value of money/time/love/friendship becomes more meaningful. I don't want to leave; but I'll just watch you go. But if there's a will, there's a way. Praying that God comes through for me this time.